Heat: The Space Age of Pro Wrestling

CM PUNK vs. REY MYSTERIO
Punk wins, probably with Straight Edge Society interference, pretty much entirely for storyline purposes. If they approach it the right way I think it’ll be a pretty interesting story, probably resulting in another Punk vs Mysterio match to get Mysterio out of the Society in a few months.

EVE TORRES, BETH PHOENIX, KELLY KELLY, GAIL KIM, and MICKIE JAMES vs. VICKIE GUERRERO, ALICIA FOX, LAYLA, MICHELLE McCOOL, and MARYSE
I can’t even describe how little I care about this match.

RANDY ORTON vs. TED DiBIASE vs. CODY RHODES
Probably Orton, but I’d like to see DiBiase win it, since they seem to be trying to push him a little bit, but I’m not sure they quite know how to do it. Maybe have him beat Rhodes to get them feuding and free up Orton to go do something else.

TRIPLE H vs. SHEAMUS
I can see either of them winning it, but for vastly different reasons. If Triple H wins, it’s probably because he refused to lay down for Sheamus on the grandest stage of ’em all. If Sheamus wins, it’s because they’re trying to fix the fact that his championship run made him look like a total pansy.

SHOWMIZ vs. R-TRUTH AND JOHN MORRISON – WWE UNIFIED TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
The tag division is basically non-existant, so I don’t particularly care who wins this one. The WWE either needs to make a concerted effort to rebuild it’s tag team division so that the titles mean something, or just get rid of them entirely.

CHRISTIAN vs. KANE vs. JACK SWAGGER vs. MVP vs. EVAN BOURNE vs. MATT HARDY vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. KOFI KINGSTON vs. DREW MCINTYRE – MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH
I can think of convincing reasons for about half of these guys to win it. Christian for one last main event hurrah before retiring or settling into a role of talent development (he’d be a great manager for a guy who needs work on his mic skills). Dolph Ziggler seems like he’s being built up for a push. Shelton Benjamin has been around for a while and might get a shot at the main event. On the other end of the spectrum, Evan Bourne is clearly just there to do something ridiculous off of a ladder. Which is too bad, really, because I really like his in-ring work. Pick-wise, let’s say… Christian.

BRET “THE HITMAN” HART vs. MR. McMAHON – NO HOLDS BARRED MATCH
Hard to say. They’re going to make Bret look like a superhero, but Vince is the one who’s going to be sticking around. Maybe Vince brings somebody out Batista to interfere on his behalf but Cena takes him out of the equation, leading into a Vince hates Cena storyline. Which they’ve already done like forty times. I really want Bret Hart to win it, though.

THE UNDERTAKER vs. SHAWN MICHAELS – CAREER vs. THE STREAK
The Undertaker’s streak continues and Shawn Michaels retires… for, like, a week.

JOHN CENA vs. BATISTA – WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
Can it be neither? This will probably be almost as painful as watching the two of them natter for fifteen minutes on RAW. Either Cena wins and feuds with Vince McMahon or Batista wins with Vince’s help somehow. And nobody cares.

EDGE vs. CHRIS JERICHO – WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
I’d like to see Jericho keep the belt, but I think Edge is probably going to win it, because that’s the way they’re building it. Could also set up and Edge vs. Christian feud if Christian wins Money in the Bank.