I attended a WWE Royal Rumble party at a friend’s house tonight. I am drunk while typing this. Those two facts are intimately related to one another.
Remember that Royal Rumble drinking game I posted a week or two ago? We decided to take that challenge. We very quickly regretted taking that challenge. Our host encapsulated the drinking game by saying “This is the second-worst idea I’ve ever had in my entire life.” It might have been number one if we hadn’t shot down his suggestion to do shots anytime the rules said to drink. That’s 59 shots without even going into the hardcore rules, incidentally. I think that would kill a small walrus, but have no scientific data to support that. Names will be withheld to protect the completely fucking hammered.
Oh, and we added a rule on top of the rules that I posted earlier. Because only 25 of the participants were revealed prior to the event, we all got to pick a wrestler who we thought would be one of the five “mystery” participants. If our guy turned out to be in the match, everybody else had to take four drinks. If your mystery wrestler didn’t show up, then you had to take four drinks.
Christian vs. Ezekiel Jackson
Oh, ECW title, nobody cares about you. I guess, considering that all of the bouts other than the Rumble itself were championship matches, that somebody had to go first, but still. My favourite part of this match was, as I said during the match, the fact that Ezekiel Jackson didn’t clothesline Christian, he bludgeoned him in the face with his arm. Seriously, those were some vicious-looking clotheslines.
The Miz vs. MVP
The US Title gets higher billing than what is, supposedly, a world championship. I liked the match, though. Mostly we just made a lot of jokes about how all the major black wrestlers seem to end up with an “I was in prison” angle at some point.
Sheamus vs. Randy Orton
There was a very astute comment made that the entire point of Sheamus’ title run seems to be just to break up the monotany at the top of the card. After the match I was left wondering why Sheamus’ title run seems to be designed to make him look like a total pussy. Also, the referee watching Cody Rhodes the entire time he was interfering in the match, then taking his time to ring the bell was hilarious.
Michelle McCool vs. Mickie James
This match was so stupid I think it gave me cancer. Five minutes of promos, then match lasts LESS THAN A MINUTE. Then about ten minutes of rolling around in cake. Beer match, anybody?
Undertaker vs. Rey Mysterio Jr.
Yes, I know they don’t call him “Jr.” anymore, but I don’t care. Most of this match was spent reminiscing about how awesome the Undertaker used to be and wondering how Mysterio can still be considered the ultimate underdog when he’s beaten pretty much every big man worth beating.
The Royal Rumble
That drinking game really did seem like such a great idea. We didn’t even get to #10 before being incredibly glad that we didn’t do shots, because we would have all been dead before #30. The mystery picks were John Morrison, Santino Morella, Edge, and Drew MacIntyre (my pick). There should have been three others, but they either didn’t get made or I just don’t remember them on account of the booze. We loudly swore at the TV for most of the Rumble, because it kept making us drink (based on our own stupid rules). Carlito, Kane, Edge, and Shawn Michaels drew particular scorn because they kept hitting their finishers, which made us all take another drink. Several times during the Rumble we had to keep track of how many drinks we had accrued since we last took one because they piled up so much (the most common instance was a lot of guy’s hitting finishers, followed by several guys getting thrown out, some of which were our draws, followed by the entrance of a new wrestler who was one of the correct mystery picks). I think the highest was 19. My personal highest was 11.
Random weird things that I remember people saying:
A: “I think I’m going to pick Edge, because he has a huge forehead. And you know what they say about huge foreheads.”
B: “Foreheads are NOT PENISES!”
(after the Randy Orton match with Sheamus, when Sheamus was standing behind Orton)
A: “Sheamus is so white Orton can probably see him reflected in the turnbuckle.”
B: “Or because he’s facing the fucking video wall.”
A: “I like how Orton just wrestled for a half hour, but he’s fine, whereas DiBiase and Rhodes got kicked twice and are done.”
(on Rey Mysterio’s entrance mask)
A: “Why the fuck is he wearing a mask over his mask?”
B: “More importantly, why does it look like a KKK hood?”
(during Michelle McCool’s promo prior to the women’s title match)
McCool: I know y’all paid to see me —
A: “You have thirty seconds to take off your top!”
(on the involvement of cake in the women’s title match)
A: “Yes, because that’s equally as bad for her as when guys get locked in flaming caskets and crap.”
B: “Hey, cake fucking burns girls, man! If I get it on me it’s like I’m on fire.”
A: “What’s with all the bromances going on here? Those guys are breaking up, those guys might be breaking up, what the hell?”
(after having consumed an entire bottle of whiskey in roughly 45 minutes, due to the drinking game)
A: “I can feel my teeth. No, seriously, I’m completely aware of my teeth. And I can feel my brain working. Like, when I talk, I can feel the electrical impulses hitting the back of my skull.”