It’s not wrestling related, but I’m watching the Edmonton Oilers flail about madly while pretending to be putting up an NHL-calibre challenge to the bastard-faced jerks collectively known as the Minnesota Wild, and the shit I want to say is too long for Twitter, because I am a long-winded bastard. And now, a variety of reasons why I hate the Minnesota Wild.

– The Minnesota Wild seem convinced that these new-fangled things called “face offs” are important, and so hired a bunch of players that are good at winning them. The Oilers, by contrast, were apparently told that face off percentages ranked like golf scores, with low numbers being the best. Reality is a harsh mistress.

– The Wild goalie is not an aging Russian who has more alcohol than blood in his veins. That’s no fun at all!

– Their locker room does not double as a pre-school.

– While their team name refers to the Minnesota wilderness, a legion of disappointed fans pack the Xcel Energy Centre believing that they were attending an evening with the stars of Girls Gone Wild: Minneapolis.

– They display poor sportsmanship by scoring most of their goals when the other team has less players on the ice.

– Their best players are from Finland. You’re a hockey team, not the Finnish consulate. You’re making poor Norway jealous.

– They used to be coached by Jacques Lemaire. While he’s no longer with the team, the carcinogenic levels of boredom that Lemaire-style hockey induces can never be cured, only put into remission.

– Because of the aforementioned Mr. Lemaire, Minnesota is anything but Wild. A more accurate moniker might be the Minnesota Trappers.

– Edmonton’s sports media will invariably use the results of tonight’s game to insinuate that fans should panic because Taylor Hall is not named Wayne Gretzky and the year isn’t 1985.