The Most Illegal Thing I’ve Ever Seen In The History of Pro Wrestling
on February 2, 2011 at 4:03 pmPosted In: Blog
Illegal, or illegally fantastic? I’ll let you decide. Thanks to my friend Roger, who sent me this.
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Last night was the 2011 Royal Rumble, and along with it the Royal Rumble drinking game. The game is designed to get you pretty smashed in a typical 30 man rumble if you play at the highest level of hardcore rules; adding an extra ten guys has a pretty predictable outcome in terms of the game’s results.
If you want a recap of the Rumble itself, check out Justin Houston’s delightfully snarky review at ProWrestlingPonderings.com, this article is mostly going to be about the experience of watching it and playing the drinking game.
First off, as per the rules of the drinking game, we all had to select two of the participants in the Royal Rumble whose successes and failures in the Rumble match would lead to either us or everyone else drinking more. Naturally, you want to pick guys who you expect to do well, since his success leads to more drinking for your friends and less for you. There are some pretty obvious picks each year (John Cena is pretty much always going to toss some guys, most of the big guys put a few people out before they get dumped, and the handful of guys that could reasonably win it are good picks), but once you get past those it’s really a matter of guessing who might have a breakout performance and get a bunch of eliminations, or at least last for a while. We rolled dice to determine picking order, and I did poorly. My first pick was Sheamus, since a lot of the big names had been taken already (although I misread the sheet, thinking CM Punk was taken already when he wasn’t). My second pick was tougher, since the majority of the remaining selections were obviously just filler. I settled on Wade Barrett as a guy who could feasibly have some success, or at least last for a little while. He turned out to be a pretty good choice.
The Royal Rumble match started off with my friend Dan having to chug his first, full drink as CM Punk entered in the number one spot. That’s a rough way to start. When Ezekiel Jackson walked out, Dan thought he was number two, groaned, and chugged his second drink before realizing that the whole stupid brawl at the beginning of the match (which really didn’t play any significant part in the rest of the Rumble) wasn’t actually part of the match and that Daniel Bryan was the real number 2. Although the first quarter of the Rumble, with Bryan and Punk going at it, was the best part.
I know I said I wasn’t going to recap the matches, but I can’t resist mentioning a few things. Dolph Ziggler vs. Edge as the opener was really good. I enjoyed it a lot, despite the screwy booking. Seriously, Kelly Kelly runs in for no reason? What the hell? Miz vs. Orton was pretty lacklustre. Miz is acceptable in the ring, but not spectacular, so pairing him with Randy Rest Hold and expecting something not-terrible to happen was asking way too much. Also, the screwy finish with Nexus and Punk running in for no reason. The Divas title match, with Eve inserted for no reason (are you sensing a pattern here?) was actually pretty good, as far as the Divas go. Nattie Neidhart is the only one who actually looked like she knew what she was doing, but it was a lot better than most Divas matches get. The Rumble started off ON FIRE, then ebbed and flowed until the last few minutes, where things got screwy again. The Cena/Miz thing was dumb, and could have easily been accomplished in any number of other, more elegant ways. The Alberto Del Rio/Santino thing was kind of funny, but unnecessary.
Fun Quotes:
On Kelly Kelly interfering in the World Heavyweight Title match:
1: Hey, it’s Kelly Kelly beating up Vickie Guerrero for no reason!
2: Wow, that’s a lot of ass-crack right there. They must have brought her out just to get that ass-crack on TV.
1: Well she’s not all that hot from the front, so really it’s all she has going for her.
2: Is that why the camera’s been behind her the whole time.
1: Probably.
On Randy Orton:
1: HAHA look how tiny his package is! Look at it! It’s sooo small!
2: Maybe that’s what his abs are compensating for.
On Daniel Bryan:
1: Hey who’s this guy? He looks Canadian. Is he Canadian?
2: No, he’s from Washington… WHY DO I KNOW THAT!?
(there were a bunch of other instances that ended with “… WHY DO I KNOW THAT” but I can’t remember what led to them.)
On Wrestlers’ Trunks
1: Nobody wears pants anymore, everyone’s in shiny black trunks.
2: So all it takes to be an individual is to wear pants?
1: Uh huh.
3: What!? I hate pants!
On The Divas:
1: I think I saw that one in a porno once.
2: Well all the woman wrestlers are former porn stars and models now, so it’s possible.
(This led into a conversational path that resulted in pantomiming a midget trying and failing to reach around a full-sized woman’s hips to do her doggy style)
On Husky Harris standing a little too close while protecting CM Punk:
1: I don’t think that faceful of henchman ass is helping him.
2: Yeah, he’s waaay too close there.
3: That must be tough to explain when he gets home from work. “What’d you do at work today, honey?” “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
1: Yeah, I don’t think there’s a way to gloss over having your henchman’s asshole in your face.
Bodyslam Magazine: Super Max Challenge Cup Preview part 3
by Jeff on January 18, 2011 at 11:20 pmPosted In: Blog
In the final part of our Super Max Challenge Cup Preview series we’ll be examining Prison Asteroid 32J’s foursome.
Invincinator
5′ 0″, 198 lbs (but allegedly well over 500 lbs)
Invincinator might be the first wrestler who isn’t actually in prison to compete in the Super Max Challenge (may be? Look it up, ya lazy bum – Ed.) After journeying from the Edge of the Galaxy to find new competition, the self-proclaimed super heavyweight found that competition on Prison Asteroid 32J. Invincinator is in the midst of a hot streak that’s seen him tally nothing but victories for nearly four months now. While inexplicably able to employ a power game against foes a hundred pounds heavier than he is, the talent level of the big men in the Super Max Challenge leads us to believe he’d be much better off if he’s able to draw smaller opponents.
Ron “The Con” Gould
6′ 3″, 276 lbs
“The Con” wasn’t on our Super Max radar prior to his partnership with Dick the Bastard. Gould has been bouncing up and down the card on Prison Asteroid 32J for a few years now, more often than not as part of a tag team. It’s his tag team expertise that earned Ron Gould his spot on this team, as well as his performance against Los Gordinflones Negros in the opening contest of the Super Max Challenge qualifying round. With LGN likely to dominate the tag team round, having a combination that can go the distance with the PPW champions could prove to be incredibly valuable for Team 32J.
Dick the Bastard
6′ 0″, 243 lbs
The least experienced wrestler in the tournament, Dick the Bastard has benefited greatly from his trainer, the legendary Mad Doc Crockett. While still pretty raw, the Bastard has already defeated the Wooly Bully twice, wrestled the tag team champions to a draw, and made an appearance in the Galactic Wrestling Gauntlet (albeit one truncated by an unfortunate collision with a luxury pod). What Dick lacks in experience he has thus far made up for with low cunning, toughness, and Ragnar Rasmussen’s helmet. Relatedly, it turns out that getting smashed in the face with a viking helmet is a good way to get knocked out. Reporters have speculated as of late to the extent of the back injury sustained by Dick during the Gauntlet, but Mad Doc Crockett has continued to assure the media that his charge is fine. On the other hand, Crockett once insisted he was fine when he defended the Galactic Championship with a broken hand and a badly sprained elbow, so his definition of “fine” is questionable, at best.
Johnny Law
6′ 4″, 302 lbs
The holder of the PPW Asteroid Belt was a no-brainer for inclusion on 32J’s Super Max Challenge squad. He’s big, experienced, and has been defending the Asteroid Belt for a little over a year. While he’s never been known as much of a team player, Team 32J surrounds him with two experienced tag team wrestlers and a guy with a hat that has more knockouts attributed to it than the average heavyweight boxer. Johnny Law is the closest thing to a guaranteed two points that the opening singles round will have this year.
WWE revealed today that the 2011 Royal Rumble is going to have 40 participants instead of the traditional 30. I’m not sure what I think of that decision yet, but I do know what Japan apparently thinks of it: that’s not nearly enough guys.
Check out this 108 man battle royal from Tokyo’s Korakuen Hall on New Year’s Eve 2009 (and spilling over into New Year’s Day 2010). Oh, and grab a snack, it’s a long one. It’s definitely not a technical classic, and I’m not sure it holds up to the excitement level of the best Royal Rumbles, but it’s a ton of fun. Seriously, one of the entrants is a blow-up doll in wrestling trunks. The other wrestlers treat it like a legitimate competitor. It’s wonderfully bizarre. Credit goes to YouTuber Dirk Mantooth for posting the battle royal in its entirety.
Bodyslam Magazine: Super Max Challenge Cup Preview part 2
by Jeff on January 12, 2011 at 10:48 pmPosted In: Blog
In the second installment of our look at Prison Pro Wrestling’s Super Max Challenge Cup we’ll be taking a look at the team assembled to represent Prison Asteroid 56Q. And by “team” we of course mean “the guys who aren’t El Gangster II but have to be there because the rules stipulate there be four guys on the team.”
Wildman Harris
6′ 1″, 240 lbs
While it could be argued that Wildman Harris brings a wealth of experience to the Super Max Challenge, members of our PPW reporting staff were quick to point out that most of his experience involves being beaten by better wrestlers. Prison Asteroid 56Q has never been known as a prime talent producer within the PPW system, and Harris is a shining example of that. He’s going to have a tough time in the singles round, but will prove to be an adequate tag team partner for one of his more talented compatriots.
“Pretty Boy” Paul Meyers
6′ 2″, 217 lbs
Paul Meyers, the self-proclaimed “Pretty Boy,” has stepped up his game significantly in the last few months, much to the relief of Prison 56Q’s Warden, who gained the ability field three-quarters of a very solid Super Max team. Meyers hasn’t lost in nearly five months and provides 56Q with a skilled technician who can push the pace to wear out an opponent, which will be especially useful later in the tournament.
Dr. Fat
6′ 8″, 598 lbs
Despite his… let’s say unflattering… ring name, a match-up with Dr. Fat most likely means a world of hurt for some poor chump. Fat’s style isn’t complicated, and it’s not pretty, but it got him the second most points in the qualifying round of any Prison Asteroid 56Q grapplers. While that total paled in comparison to the mark set by El Gangster II, Dr. Fat is very likely the strongest man in this year’s Super Max Challenge and a valuable asset to his team.
El Gangster II
5′ 11″, 207 lbs
The fact that El Gangster II is even related to the original El Gangster is enough to make him the best guy on this team. The fact that he was trained by his older brother makes him one of the top three guys in the entire tournament. Unfortunately for EG II, he’s going to be relied upon heavily to put up points if 56Q is going to upset it’s competition. Despite being a near-guaranteed two points in the singles round, he’s going to be hard-pressed to go through entire tag teams by himself.
One thing worth pointing out about Team 56Q that doesn’t fit into the wrestler-by-wrestler model that our editor foisted upon us (I’ll foist you with a brick, Writey McFiredNow – Ed.) is that none of the team members are regular tag team competitors. With every round beyond the first being contested in tag team matches, this could prove to be a serious disadvantage, especially if a match-up with Los Gordinflones Negros arises.
